Rewind and Pause Part 1 - No More Lies

Well last summer turned out horribly depressing. I spent my sorrowful days in my house moping around and gaining quite a bit of weight ( I weighed 147lbs -- 147lbs!! -- that time) from eating junkfood for snack and after dinner-snack, complaining and taking out my anger on my boyfriend Alec, who has long since lost interest in me because of all the midnight fights I suddenly start. One good thing did happen though, I became the bassist of the band Stjan, whose guitarist and vocalist were my long time neighbors. Red on lead, Karen on vocals, Kim on rhythms, Josh on drums, and then me.

I broke up with Alec every week. He begs me to come back to him every week. Finally, it became sorta permanent. One thing I've never told people, was that I was interested in other guys, one particular named Mic. I took Alec for granted and I broke up with him on July 9th and told him I would never come back.

For a month everyday, he begged me to come back. He texts me but I never reply, revering in the despair he was in as I was relishing my vengeance of making him suffer while I was enjoying myself, a gig every week, high grades, but not really happy, gaining weight more, internally suffering in the loneliness I have masochistically put myself in.

While Alec goes to school at Lourdes as an HRM Student, I continue to be a regular 3rd year architecture student (thank God), and even though we were broken up, we still saw each other a lot, making up dumb alibis to see each other (returning of stuff, help with his algebra homework, help with carrying my bass), and I slowly wanted him back. It was the last week of July when I decided to get back together with him. But this time, I was going to do it right. I was never going to be a selfish, demanding, bitchy girlfriend ever again. I was going to set things right. This time, I was going to introduce him properly to my parents, as my boyfriend. I was going to love him properly. Be tender. Be gentle. Be feminine. Look nice and lose weight -- though he never pressured me to do so, though he always told me I looked "cute and beautiful" -- but I knew deep down he always imagined himself with a small, cute girl, and I was going to be that for him, and for myself. I was going to do this right. But he has to be the one to ask me back.

On Saturday August 3, 2013, in Nazareth Park, he got on his knees and asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.

He told me about this girl he's had his eye on for years, but only saw again a few weeks ago at that time. About how he had an innocent crush on her, and how it was only a speck of admiration. I shrugged, thinking it was fine, it was normal for a guy to admire other girls.

I was busy that week, what with all the deadlines, and didn't see him on Wednesday (the day we agreed upon to meet). I promised to make it up to him on Friday, which was a holiday. I saved up my allowance, as at that time, Despicable Me 2 was showing and I knew he loved those Minions, but didn't have any money to watch. He didn't text or call me until that day. In the morning, I woke up to no text messages, which was strange, so I tried calling, but he didn't answer. I went on fb to see if he was online, and it said "active 4 minutes ago". I viewed his timeline to find the most terrifying thing ever: he was exchanging long, emoticon-ful comments with a girl named "Chuii Chuii Lalai". She looked small and thin, morena, Myrtle-ish face. That was the first time I felt a sickening churning in my stomach, unending sweating, shaking, and numbing of my hands and feet, and dizzying nervousness all at the same time. Setting aside my hurt and jealous and a bit panicked soul, I didn't want to make assumptions (though judging from the comments I read, I had every right to be), I sent him a message:

"Hi Jay, magkita ta today"
to which he replied "Murag dili.."
"Jay naay lain?"
and he replied, after like 10 minutes, "nganung naka ask ka?..kinsa lugar?"
and I said "Si Chuii Chuii Lalai"
and then he said "Im just tired of you"
and then started the endless begging, and he never replies.

And when I checked out AJ's page, he was exchanging comments with her again. Figures.

So I borrowed my mom's plan phone. I called him. It was about 9am. I begged and begged and cried and begged til almost 12nn for him not to do this to me, to cheat on me, to throw me away over a chance with some other girl he liked only because of her appearance. I don't know if my family heard me sobbing but they didn't call me for breakfast, nor lunch.

But all he said was "Loi..wala na..di nagyud ko."

at 12nn, I stopped begging, he hung up on me midsentence.

Coincidentally, Eduard came to my house to pick up some art stuff, and looked at my sore, puffy eyes suspiciously. Without asking why, he said "laag ta Lors ta? huwat rako diri gawas. librehan tika."

So I spent the whole afternoon with Eduard, walking around centrio, watched a movie, ate at jollibee (i threw up what I ate about 10minutes after I was done eating), and I begged God to please make me fall for Eduard. He would be easier. He wouldn't hurt me. He would love me. But all I could think of was comparing him to Alec. But being with Eduard that day did help numb the pain.

At 9pm I arrived home. I packed up all of Alec's shirts and stuff, even the teddy bear he gave for my 18th birthday. Deleted his number, though it was hard deleting the damn number from my brain. Deleted all our pictures in my laptop and cellphone. Hid everything that reminded me of him.

But nothing helped numbed the pain once I was done doing things that were distracting. A pain so horrible, it racked my chest; A pain so inescapable, and so great that I felt I was on fire, though my hands and feet were cold and numb. Tears running endlessly down my face, I thought all the water in my body would be used up. I vowed not to check my fb page for a month. Not to text/reply. I lost five pounds that week. Whatever I ate, came back up after a few minutes. I was alive, but not really living.

I did not have any contact with him, for a week, until he texted me. He sent "Pati ang Bear, iuli?....." as though he was depressed about that. I was flooded with hope that perhaps he regretted his decision; I caved in; I got on fb at once. What I saw hurt me more than ever: his posts were all about "crushes" and how "crushes helped you move on" and more comment-exchanges, and even worse, photo comments, where he would comment on her selfie "chix kaayu bai.. :))"..I felt cheated on. I felt lost. Useless. On the 3rd week of August, I suppose they've started texting because he was always GMing. Worse, I replied to his every GM, and begged for him to take me back every chance I got, but always got shot down. And I knew he was getting back at me for what I did to him months ago when he was the one who was begging.

While Alec was busy with Louella, I was desperate as I tried hard to move on.

I worked out everyday. Ate next to nothing. Threw up what I ate. Did poorly in class. Sunk myself in gigs.

At some point I added Ralph again. Do you guys remember him? Well if we're really friends, then surely you'd remember the guy who wrote me letters, called me to sing me to sleep and called me "my lady".
He courted me again, but I said no, and started terrorizing me on Ask.fm which he heartily denied. So I ended up insulting him and then aggravatingly demanded him to stop bothering me if he was going to be a jerk. So I stopped texting him.

Then came Mic. He was a guitarist from a band of the same production as Stjan, and I heard he has a crush on me, as his friends and bandmates all make a point of sending his regards to me. I liked Mic back. We chatted a lot, though I refused to have webcam chat. I though it was because I didn't want him to see me puffy eyed and miserable. Then I realized it was because Webcam chatting was Alec and I's thing. Mic was also depressed from his previous long relationship with his first love which they broke off only a month ago. I didn't want to use and be used as a replacement.

So I refused him also. He found someone else after 2 months.

At my birthday, I asked Alec if he could, please, spend the day with me. He didn't want to be alone with me, so he tagged Chad along. I bought Jollibee takeout and the three of us went to Alec's house. He was sweet to me that day, smiling and laughing along with me like he used to.

At night I asked him again to come back to me. And he said no.

But on the last week of August he told me to introduce him to my parents as my boyfriend. That was his way of saying that yes, he agreed to be my boyfriend again. And yes, I introduced him to my parents.

But he was still into Louella. Still texting her, chatting with her.

I gave him an ultimatum, me or louella. And he got angry and broke up with me. Told me "Loi, wala nako'y feelings para saimo. Nkigbalik rako kay naluoy nako saimo."

To make things worse and to unconsciously mock the pain I was in, somebody posted a confession about me in MUST confessions. Angry, pained, and betrayed, I vowed to never again speak with gatb ever again, for I didn't need anymore pity, and decided to stop telling people about me and alec because people would just judge me anyway.

In september, me and alec were back together but he said "let's keep it a secret". In his other acct he was raving about how he missed Louella, how he was hurting that she was with another guy. And that day, I confronted him about it.

It turns out, Louella was Alec's brother's friend's ex girlfriend, and Kuya LA expressively asked Alec not to go on courting Louella because she had bad personality. And alec, as he was used to always being frank with me, asked her about it. Louella didn't get mad, but told AJ to stop courting her. Thus why he got back together with me. I asked him why he would choose her over me. He said "I'm comfortable with you, I'm myself with you, but there's no more excitement, no more spark, no more jumping heartbeat; with her, it's the opposite."

Angry, I sent a message to louella. All it said was "he's all yours :)"

Alec got mad about it. Then we broke up.

On intrams, we were with each other but as "friends (strongly making quotation gestures) on my battle of the bands gig. That night he told me to wait for him, that "dili ra gihapun ni ma successful". And hurt as felt, defeated, under-appreciated, ugly, horrified at his suggestion, I clung to that hope til october.

On the last week of october, I was still hoping.

Until I read that on ask.fm, where I thought I was safe, they were exchanging comments and answers.

My ever supportive friend, Maya, sent louella a question "Pasagdi nanas Papa Lec bi"
to which louella answered "Haha, okay lor :)"

her answer clicked something in me. she thought it was me. so i sent her a message on ask saying sorry for sending her that message on fb.

she replied no problem, then procceeded to ignore alec for a day then began chatting and whatever with him again.

At the last week of october, I decided to give my hope one last, last try. I asked Alec to come back to me. And he said no again. I asked if he was chatting with Louella. It wasn't my business anymore, he said, and that he was still angry at me for sending her that message a month ago. I asked again if he was chatting with louella, then sent an "im sorry"..it was all seenzoned, no replies. Then I saw that Louella was online. I chatted with her, sent her a long message. This is a summary: "Please take care of Alec for me. It's not in my place to ask, but please, even as a friend, be there for him. He is lonely and he needs someone to be his friend. I love him a lot but I have no place for me in his life anymore." She replied, a long message too. We exchanged long messages, became friends even, in a matter of hours. She said she didn't have any degree of affection for alec whatsoever. He was only a friend, and that she liked someone else. She said she didn't mean to destroy our relationship. She would ignore alec forever, if that's what it took for us to put the pieces back together. But I said no, it's hopeless. Me and Alec had already agreed to let things go. We would see each other the next day for closure.

I was prepared to see things end. I braced myself for a future without alec. And this time, I gave up. I placed no more hope that were to get back together.

The next day was coincidentally full of deadlines. I only, barely made my plates on time, with help from my classmates who felt sorry for me. At 8pm, Alec arrived. We spoke in the adjacent classroom, which was then empty. He spoke harshly, angrily. I spoke back soflty, crying already (my eyes were always prone to tears at that time) telling him It was okay if he would leave, I was used to pain anyway.

And he angrily replied "Ikaw ray nasakitan? ha? Kabalo ka unsa ka sakit atong june kung kanus-a daghan gapangutana kung asa naka, nganung di nata gauban? Kabalo ka unsa ka sakit magsulti saakong pamilya, sakong mga igagaw, nga nagbulag nata? Nga gikapoy naka saako? ikaw ray nasakitan? Gikapoy nako, wala kay klaro! Grabeh ka manghangyo makigbalik kung wala nako, pero kung naa ko gapasakitan lang ko nimo, pero abi ranimog ikaw ray ga suffer kay imong kaugalingun ra imung ginahunahuna! Wala lang ka kabalo pila ka gabie ko naghilaka para saimo! Wala ka kabalo sa giagian nko nga sakit sa katong panahon nga mag I love you ko, di naka gareply!"

after which he broke down crying. and I cried too.  what was awkward was that my classmates next door were done with their plate and were going home and had to transfer my stuff next door. It was pretty late, 9:30pm. Anyway, after that, alec and I calmed down. Then we agreed that this was for the best. I was dying inside, but I was pretending to be okay with him. I said "uban ta dula LoL ah? haha" to which he was cheerful about. Then we just talked. He asked about my dad. And I told him I didnt know because I hadnt spoke to him in a year. And he asked why, and I told him about how my dad beats me, which i hadnt told Alec about. He was appalled. That's why I said, "Im used to men hurting me." and I started crying again, but we later switched to a more cheerful topic. We were making jokes and were laughing (faked on my part) and I was already getting used to the "only friends" situation. We noticed it was almost 11pm and agreed to go home. I went to the CR and sobbed a bit, dried my eyes and took a deep breath, then went back to the classroom where I found him crying a bit. He was writing something on a piece of paper. When I sat in front of him (a table in between) he passed me the paper, which "I love you Lorry.." and I was just about to look up when he hugged me. I was in shock, I didn't move. I had already given up.

Without letting go, he slid to his knees, and hugged my knees then took my hand and spoke, his voice muffled by my knees. "I don't even know why I bothered with Louella. Why did I have to be so stupid to chase after another girl when you were there all along. Bugok kaayo ko Loi. Im sorry. Im sorry. Di nako mag expect nga iforgive ko nimo. Di nako mu expect nga musugot paka. But di nagyud nako kaya. Bisag kinsa akong kasturya, bisag si Louella, Puro ra ikaw akng ma topic, ikaw akung mahuna hunaan. Di nako kaya wala mawala ka. Pirmi ra tika gapasakitan pero naa lang gihapun ka. Sayup gyud nako tanan. Please loi, please gusto ko mamawi. Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked.

I couldnt answer right away. I was still staring at that piece of torn cartolina paper, not even daring to believe my eyes and ears. I prayed to God for a minute and asked for a sign. I caught sight of my watch and saw it was a few seconds to 12mn; how the school guards left us alone to talk, how they still allowed us to stay inside the school, it was all so miraculous that this was happening when I've given up all hope.

I remember saying yes, I remember a hug so tight I could barely breath, I remember walking to DV with him in the middle of the night but felt incredibly safe, I remember sleeping soundly for the first time in 3 months.

I remember his face when he kissed me before we left that classroom. Remember the guards smiling at us as we walked past them to the gates which they opened for us, remember hearing one of the guards say "nag peace ragyud sila."

:)